Tuesday, February 27, 2018

It feels so light

I did not expect that.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

My perspective

So much is in that red wheel barrow (wheelbarrow) (wheeled barrow)
As in your 10 fingernails.

My dad's nails are an involuntary standard.
I chose mates based on his faults, so
It is OK, now, so many enough years later, that
I judge on this one aspect.

I hear it is made of nail-protein.
Invoke cycles.

I adore your fingertips.


PS, my dad's nails are clean, uniformed/clipped, something patrician but maintained into older (82) age, so there.

PPS, he is aging, so, they are still clean, but so short, so far below fingers' edge. My nails have been betraying me, too.

Sunday, November 12, 2017


I am tired of carrying forward the faults
Of my ancestors.
I am weary of their is/was turning into
Present mistakes that
Mirror theirs then/now.

Those ancestors failed to
Provide the tools for me to
Repair ourselves or
Anything around

Monday, October 02, 2017


to a place that will ask you to jump to another re: cervical cancer (you've seen the commercials: did you know that cancer could be caused by a virus? a virus!)

yes, some of us did know, and some of us are still getting a clue, but as my now-hometown-cohabitant/(that's "slash") blogger points out, some of this is still a moooooot religious point: come on, if there is a vaccine for anything, and you live in U.S.A., go ahead and get it!

p.s.: it's not about "being a whoooo," Antonio. Some of us were way under-slutty and ended up with things pretty much from Mars. because, p.p.s: you (males, females alike) could totally have this and not know it; try the tune of the tenor of a physician saying "it's so common, it's not even worth telling anyone about."

oui, mes amors du monde, no one will tell you.

and chances are, you won't even know.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

experimental poetry lol

Being a clod of electrical impulses
We call them feelings
that I can't control
and they rule our justifications.

I am resigned at the young-old age that I am
My body is strong
so much so that long
and is ruling justifications.

Once we fell apart overnight and once again
We call them feelings
at dawn again slept
and they rule our justifications.

Being a clod of electrical impulses
that I can't control
We call them feelings
and they rule our justifications.

I am resigned at the young-old age that I am
so much so that long
My body is strong
and is ruling justifications.

Once we fell apart overnight and once again
at dawn again slept
We call them feelings
and they rule our justifications.

Friday, September 15, 2017

Having achieved the goal of dreamless sleep

We went out of the country for about a week, January 2017. For about two days, framing that week, we were crossing the International Date Line, being in the clouds above several oceans, feeling cramped and cranky, dried out and faux-hungry.

When we got home, there was no real reason I could not go to work the next day. However, after 10 days of relative sobriety, the kind of sobriety that is called normal by most people, my impulse was the same as it always is in this household. And it's always an insane choice, the textbook sort, the kind that expects a different outcome and doesn't care to remember it will be the same horrible thing — because the thrill of remembered oblivion is a favored carnival ride. There are lights; there is music, warmth and a cradle when it's over.

It was easy enough to plead for another day off. Reasonable on the outside.

I did go to work the following day. I don't recall much but an intense sinus headache, a mild nausea that could be well attributed to the ending of "travel stomach."

Four days later, somewhere in February, that stomach is still not working properly. I hardly feel hungry, every food is repulsive and gives me a headache just to think of. And when I think about my health, I grow anxious. I worry I will never be well. I worry I will never be able to walk.

I walk downstairs to the kitchen. I make it, but I have to sit down. I am perpetually self-monitoring for a heart attack.

I check my blood pressure and find that I'm still, as I have been for a year, at high risk for stroke.

The great thing about being on vacation was that I didn't have heart palpitations. I didn't have to worry about being hungry. Food was plentiful and provided. I am not sure I was ever actually hungry. I ate and started to doubt the one previously reliable factor of my body.

I walked a lot. We wore our feet out on bumpy sidewalks, quick-paced traffic-threading, museums with tile floors. There really is no carpet in Vietnam. There are mats outside the toilets/bathrooms — usually the same room and with no water-barrier around anything that sprays. Poorly graded floors make for perpetual puddles. The Japanese keep these rooms separate and also have specific shoes for the toilet. I appreciate that now.

Abundance includes having banana trees like weeds everywhere, jackfruit in the front yard, coconuts. Our trees here make bitter acorns and difficult-to-eat walnuts.

Seeing fields of pineapple was a treat. One reason they are expensive abroad: they live in rows accessed by little boats and require an individual human to cut each one individually. Rice, I have seen, is likewise planted, by hand, but its yield is not 1:1. Is that the difference?

I didn't eat that much rice. The rice I remember rejecting outright was on the airplanes and very un-Asian in flavor and how it was cooked. Of course, if I based wedge potatoes on how All Nippon Airlines makes them, I would likewise reject them, too; but we gravitate toward the familiar.

Thinking of the airplane meals still makes me nauseous.

A lot of things make me nauseous right now. I still gag when I brush my teeth, and sometimes, it's worse.

The bottom of my digestive system is a wreck. Mild, but persistent.

When I slept last night, I could smell mustard. I haven't eaten that for days, and I still smell it, and it's confusing to me.

Vietnam is full of smells I can't describe. I can only hint that they are intense, constant and constantly changing. Any good one will be followed quickly by another terrible one. Not that chickens cooking or chickens tied up in a bunch on the street-market ground make intrinsically bad or good smells. Sweet crab meat under fingernails yields to yet another stenchy toilet. The sea — well, we never made it to the sea. All the rivers, though, they are brown, there are many, and they are unapologetically floating with trash.

Sensory overload in the past would render me either snappish or reclusive. In the face of so much hospitality, I did not have those easy, selfish options, but I also did not regret their absence. Is my bedridden, congested state — complete with the confusion of gut issues (compounded by a menstrual cycle that is depressing me with its irregularity and vengeance) — something I can attribute to "stress"?

And why can't I handle stress?

I'm barely functioning. I made it to the shower about 20 hours ago, and I used a motor vehicle, because we needed toilet paper and I needed an excuse to buy a box of wine. I avoided one of the most positive and entertaining events that happens in my neighborhood last night, a pre-Mardi Gras march (with food, costumes, joy, instruments and a little bit of fire) just because I had no receptor whatsoever that was open to something so social. Even the gentle kind of anonymous socializing of a life-forward, happy-centric, full-moon event. With food and costumes and instruments, joy.

My hair, it has not been washed since last Sunday night, when we prepared to get up again at 3 a.m.

I haven't gone this long before, and I haven't had such "good" results. The scalp is not an oozing, scabby mess. Maybe I just can't smell anything with this sinus condition. It is so very dry here, though.

Loneliness is strong right now.

Before we left, one, then another, told me I was (my words, I'm grouping) in the way. They who had embraced my being, my spirit, my body, my time — they both determined that what I was giving was not wanted, was an obstruction, was theirs to terminate without discussion.

We are all independent beings. We do wish to be included in decisions, even if they are unilateral, when the outcome includes us. I would agree. I did agree. I wasn't ready to agree. In one case it was a matter of four minutes. After an emotional push that took five hours that I was pushed to (and happy to) make. They let themselves off with an "I hurt people and I'm sorry you are one."

I knew they were not mentally stable. But the joy we brought each other, I thought, was special. It felt different to me. I gave differently because of it. Door opened, now shut.

That same door, once unsealed, made my heart "game" for another, more physical, less spiritual, wooing. My resistance was intellectual; my behavior was, by the textbook of _________, wrong.

When this particular they got out of the more intense place of their own grief and noticed I shouldn't be included in any recovery, they didn't use the word "mistake." I know.

My regrets include: feeling pain.

I am too lonely to call close friends. I am too fragile to try anything. I can barely use my voice. I don't have much to say on social media. I have been saying for weeks, months, that I feel blank. I am a study in non-reaction. I have been killing off every feeling for my whole life, and I must have gotten suddenly very good at it?

Accumulation. Wet sands of tiny chips of every rock slowly drying up above the tide mark. Starting to blow away.

Limited access

While I have not yet (?) been able to garner anyone more than a decade younger (fewer than 10 years) than I to fall in love with me,
I see what's happening.

The coincidence is the location.
Is it *a* location ... are there such places, torn-holes in the fabric, etc.
Where I can see what's happening (because it is)?


Saturday, November 05, 2016

15 months later

A lot has happened
As it should

At least one friend fell off
Culled by my indifference
And his wisdom

There was
Another conference of 800
Women religious

There was

And between those
There was a baby

Not mine
But mine enough

Happy hello niece person

I wish I could say she
Made all the difference
But nothing
No one can or does

A whole winter was
As undocumented
As the people fleeing here
Have been
And treated as pawns

A cat died
A snake was found in the bedroom
And several dozen other things ensued

What I'm here for today
September 3
A Saturday
An accident
And now
Two months later
I am confused.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Right shoulder

After being inundated for days by the presence of 800 women, gathered for an annual meeting, I found myself flanked by three males, in succession, in the space of a single day, at my right shoulder.

It's nothing really, but it strikes me now as funny, how this one deltoid could have been so socially engaged in such a short span of time.

Wednesday night, after dining on the second of what ended up being three ocean-based meals that week, with two female colleagues, at a restaurant enclosed by the thick concrete walls supporting a parking garage above it and painted in a very bad shade of blue, where the server brought us water but offered no other beverage, I took a social plunge and sat myself at the short end of our hotel bar.

Quite a feat for an introvert, the move did show calculation: no one could sit next to me, and I watched the baseball game and could see all the other people lined up with their backs to the tables.

My closest neighbor was reading a magazine. He was about 35 and married. He did not say anything or acknowledge my existence in any way.

It's an uncomfortable thing to be alone at a bar, for a woman who doesn't have a book or magazine, and whose hometown team is playing on the TV she can't see, while the game on the nearby screen is a languishing 11-0 in the sixth inning.

Drinking alone, exposed, it's not something I'm at used to at all.

I don't go to bars. My younger colleague laughed when I told her I had Googled "liquor stores." There apparently is only one in all of downtown Houston, though, and it was 15 minutes away on the other side of an interstate.

And bar drinks are expensive.

And bar-ing alone sends one of two bad signals: "I'm here to get drunk," or, "I'm here to get laid."

Or both -- though for a man especially it could also just be, "I'm here to socialize with whomever else happens to be in the mood and here to do so."

The man with the magazine paid and left. He didn't even finish what he was drinking, something in a highball glass, cherry-tinted amber, with ice that never melted.

His replacement turned out to be someone similar, without a wedding ring.

He ordered a Sam Adams beer and bantered a bit with the bartender.

My position also gave me full view of a rather large group of women from the conference who were gathered in the corner of the lounge, a square open-view area in the center of the lobby, itself open to the roof, 30 floors above.


At some point, a large man took up in the middle of the bar. He was about 46 and he did make eye contact. He proceeded to drink his face red in short order; later he would openly glower as another man, younger and more attractive, started in with this long-haired woman who was chipper, pretty and amenable.

Suddenly the women in the back corner burst out into applause. Everyone at the bar turned around. I barely had to turn my eyes to see what was going on; they were congratulating one of their leaders, a slightly stooping white-haired woman, who had just walked in from outdoors.

"She's a famous Catholic sister," I told my closest companion.

That broke the ice, so to speak, and we chatted off and on, then generally had a nice conversation,  about the hotel -- he had been there many, many times, as it was a layover spot for his airline; work -- it was his last day as a flight attendant, after seven years of seeing the world, having his housing provided in Dubai and saving up a good deal of money; politics -- he is Canadian and took interest in the whole Donald Trump phenomenon; his Malaysian girlfriend from New Zealand, who also worked for the airline, had had a difficult childhood and whose parents stereotypically were anxious for her to marry and have children.

We shared an interest in the drama playing out between the pick-up man and the long-haired woman next to him.

I explained why there were 800 Catholic sisters at the hotel and why I was there, too. "I'm well-chaperoned," I said, jokingly.

He asked intelligent questions about what it's like to edit material for a religious publication.

We became Facebook friends.

The next afternoon, my colleague who had run the booth with me in the exhibition area for the conference and I were picked up by the shuttle van to the airport.

Another sister got in at our stop. A man got in at the next, and he sat next to her, behind us, though with a space between. Another man was picked up, and he got in the front seat.

The next man was tall and from another country -- and seemingly an other era, with his perfect teeth, small round glasses and tight, smooth afro.

No choice: I said hello, moved over and had him sit next to me.

In another culture, it would be unthinkable for strangers of the opposite sex to be so close. We were touching, off and on as the shuttle made turns, but mostly on, because there literally was no space, no place else to go.

It's weird how people will pretend in such situations that the situation is not happening. The coping mechanism for awkwardness is a polite kind of negation. He closed his eyes while we were on the highway. Sleep means you're not here.

So, our arms are touching. There is flesh touching flesh. And nothing will become of that.

In another circumstance, things would be so different. I kept thinking, "Do I feel anything?"

We finally arrived.

He laughed in surprise when I bounced out of the van. I guess it's surprising to see someone my age spring out like that. I suppose I have fun when I can. Next stop, TSA, the bodyscan and being flat-palmed on my breast that the machine flagged as "something."

The man I sat next to after that, once again in the dreaded middle seat, worse for being on an airplane, the middle seat between a woman on the aisle and this man at the window, was close enough for me to have kissed his left ear.

He kept a small computer open the entire time, even during take-off and landing, watching television shows, including "Naked and Afraid," the survivalist reality show from the Discovery channel.

He never once looked at me, and he barely looked out of the window.

The woman likewise watched golf on her phone, or swiped through a bunch of news feeds. When we landed, she did ask if I was home or going on and what was it like living downtown.

During the two-hour flight, I read a book, Milan Kundera's The Joke, and struggled against passing out from days of too-little sleep and too-long and too-social days.

Intimate proximity without actual intimacy . . . 

Friday, April 24, 2015

Someone I never met

Killed himself today.
Thank you, Facebook.
I'm not being sarcastic.
Thank you for bringing the All Our Struggles
Are Family.

By his posts, he was a Christian believer,
Someone who put up less-trite-memes than others;
I watched him "function,"
Melt-down over his relationship with his wife,
Asked him, "Are you O.K.?"


Saturday, April 04, 2015

The love of my life had a baby

With a man who is in the Navy.
It might be the Air Force.
I haven't wanted to know.
I don't find him attractive in photos.

She is complaining, in a way, that the baby girl
Who has the name I would have saved for my own,
Is suffering from colic and is too "in the way"
To be carried while she is doing dishes or

I was colic-y myself:
Now somewhat a disaster who
Wishes science etc. were better 40 years ago
And that marriage laws only a few ago were

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Veiled confessions

I like the word vein.
Vain for vanity of keeping personal xylem and phloem in working order.

What if periodontal disease, too?
Vegan poseur.

There is a wagon.
The horses are not harnessed, so it's not going anywhere.

Things keep getting worse.
"Every day that you see me, that's the worst day of my life."

Arrest that.
It's not a good sign when the dishsoap and eggs both run out.

Same clothes 48 hours and counting.
No, I do not remember Friday, except there were lentils.

Someone brought me chocolate on Valentine's Day.
Spaghetti-Os, too.

Didn't watch the SNL anniversary special.
It's snowing.

Deadlines, so many deadlines.
And repetitive-motion injuries (mind, not body).

Object at rest.
Anxiety at any action.

It's a little dark under the veil.

Thursday, January 22, 2015


For some reason, I keep chewing off half-flaked lip skin.
For some reason, it is not tenacious.
Quick to heal, it must be made of something similar to cervical cells.
My nose has been running red for at least a month.


. . .

. . . .

have someone loved say over and over
help me
have over and over grab as can hands
want to be pulled out
of bed
out of
into new plain . . .

where are meds
why not.
pain. mental. and.
the only word we have in common is
sometimes with the 'ed' part that makes it
an adjective.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Things not Facebook friendly

People with children can never believe how big / grown their once-infant / post-fetus has become.
Children are always amazing, no matter what.

There are a lot (a LOT) of lost dogs — dogs jump fences and slip leashes frequently.
This happens perhaps more often than babies are amazing.
Both of these events will change your life.

People who comment on conservative news/blog sites will say, "Can you believe that? He is such an un-American moron" as many times as commenters on liberal sites will say, "It's so sad that people are so stupid."

I am probably kind-of bored by your non-artistic snapshots of your kids.
This kind of photo quality was only acceptable when there was film and photos cost money to develop.
Even then, people only put the good ones into the album.
Even then, people only shared the albums with relatives and others who asked to see them.

I only have posted approx. 13 photos of my cat(s) and bird(s). Total.
Emphasis on blurry, poorly composed photos. Your kids can look so much better. All events are not photographic events. Choose wisely.

It is really difficult to handle the enforced obituaries.
In the recent past, only people who paid for the newspaper and deliberately went to that section learned that their friends, friends' friends or relatives (in that city only) had died.
Or they got a phone call.
Now, I hear almost daily about someone my own age (I am only barely middle aged) who has suddenly been killed in an accident or by heart disease or something like that.

I have contributed to this phenomenon by posting a few things (mostly comments, though) about my Dear Friend From College and Now who was crashed up in a car accident not caused by anything but Chance, 40 days ago. If that had been Ash Wednesday, we would be a few uncounted Sundays from Easter.

We are all watching the slowest of Resurrections.

It is harder than what my DNA ever was programmed to take in, to hear of five degrees' separation of surgery, cancer, heart attacks/strokes, parents' dying, dogs lost, babies born, disabilities acquired, and then that random fluff-joyful stuff some of you post that has nothing to do with anything you have experienced, that is just someone's pithy platitude . . . ah, but then some of us post things from the Buddha (and only some of us verify the quotes).


Where can I complain about my job.
Where can I commiserate about my friends I can't get on the phone or in person.
Where can I say that I am in a lot of anguish.
Where can I walk for hours and not feel tired or watched.
Where can I go and not think about ISIS, South Sudan, south Chicago, police states everywhere, rapists, homeless, jobless, hopeless, dirty, aching, bleeding, beaten people?

At work I read about people who live by and live well by faith.
No matter what.
Who are in trouble or who put themselves next to those in trouble and give all that they have to mitigate that . . . time, love, hugs, food, processes, political action.

That tedious line quoted ("quoted") in the Bible, whether Jesus said it or not (it was early), about how we will always have the poor makes me disappointed in both humanity and religion.

Animals do not have the poor. Plants sometimes steal resources from other plants, but they also sometimes are quite complementary in their partnering. America's first humans knew that about corn, beans and squash, (so I am told in places on the Internet).

Animals eat, eat each other and meet and eat each other based on random patterns.

But they don't seem to get upset about that. They just be.

We have Facebook, and that is an example of how tangled our brains are. We can make such wonderful and useful things. But we also make a lot of junk. Most of which is trash as far as the Earth's processes are concerned.

Don't worry; I am still looking for something lovely to make that doesn't hurt anything, anyone or anyclean.

"If you are so smart, why aren't you rich?"

Well, because I don't want to get ahead and acquire more creature comforts, even if becoming very rich meant that I "could help" others by my foundations and whatnot, by making things that people have to acquire by exchanging money (work) for things/services that, let's face it, they don't really need / (or, more likely) could get some other self-determined way.

The way we parse up our days and time baffles me. Having been born when I was born sometimes leads me to feel that I really don't belong. I can't succeed in a place where you don't chop your own heating wood, and to do so means killing trees. To eat means millions of pigs were abused and gross vast pools of unmitigated waste were filled . . . aquifers fouled, bees destroyed, wires everywhere, friends far away.

And computers. At work. Slow. Things to complain about.

No choice. Faxes are jokes like 8-track tapes. Inefficient. Letters still happen. How charming.

We play at camping.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Rough field

Water galloping sea horse (sorrow) finally found
a coral reef of
grief to float within.
Tears taste like the concentrated ocean.

I called his phone; it’s in a crashed car
but still working 8 days (chanukah starts tomorrow) later . . .
I just wanted to hear his voice
because he’s silenced, and now even his eyes
are laid over with a strip of gauze.

Are others as weepful as I —
I can’t know, for I am not measuring this
except for hours.
Volume can not be counted,
and if they told me they took 4 or 40 liters of fluid from
you, I would believe it.

I lost my cousin a year ago, and an uncle this summer,
and then a friend to-more-be this summer in the desert.

2014 is not doing well.
Bird friends died;
the cat is irritating and lives on.

I got to talk to your brother more than
since ever then and 20 years ago.
So, a few good things, deep, good things —
but this price is not fair.

Not until you can talk and complain,
walk and feel pain (sorry),
I won’t be happy to be again.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Then there was December 7

Becoming infamous again.
A Sunday drive for a Christmas tree
Turned into -- is it too dramatic a word?
A tragedy.
In part at least, and how far, still unknown.
Positive things to count,
Ornaments on the darkness:
No limbs lost,
No heads split wide open;
Death, specter hovering dressed in
Blood, over and over turned away.
So far.
For us.
For her.
For us.
Hope continues to be a thing with feathers.
No one lets you bring birds or dogs (or cats, but) into the ICU.
It's scientific and clean
But it's not completely humane.