RIP Milo

c. 1997 — February 22, 2010, ~10 p.m.

Slept

From 6:3o to 9 a.m.

Went to work (coffee /breakfast with colleague; we didn't get much done — a sort-of friend felt like telling us a really long story about jobs and job-esque things, and I compared him to a person he had just said was difficult to talk to … I love not having a filter right now, being innocuously honest when I say things like, "You're very much the same, just orbiting in two different spheres of artist-ness; I can communicate with both of you separately just fine").

Went to office.

Accomplished weekly mail event thing.

Started thoughts on our management system.

Did not get to the Quickbooks.

Was taken to Hamburger Mary's by workfriend with other friend's car who works there (Mary's).

Ate with them.

Had a chocolate martini.

I have to say that my current state of non-sleep-non-eat means that alcohol doesn't "do" what it usually does. Nothing at all, really.

I am entertained, as usual, by the meta-experience of watching what "it" is all like.

Meant to go to many things – to see people I actually like, not obligation-events.

Determined it was impossible.

Slept from 5:30 to 10:30 p.m.

Tried for more but felt hungry.

Ate, thinking lack of hunger pangs and the addition of digestion would do the trick.

Oh, and here we still are.

Mardi equilibrium

… starving (and eating) and exhausted (and sleeping) …

Seems

Grandmother, maternal, was supposedly manic-depressive.

Without having eaten much (food is sitting right here):

I have, since 11 a.m., presented a web-publishing tutorial to a writer and an intern, actually answered my phones without knowing who was calling and talked to people, made a return call to a prospective writer, worked on macro-planning, micro-managed at least 20 e-mails and their tails of trouble (no, not tales), paid the mortgage (just in time), paid the water bill (just in time), gone to two grocery stores and a pet food store, prepared the chili, reorganized the leftover soups and Chinese foods (homemade and takeout tofus) from giant half-full bowls to exactly-the-same repeated containers in the fridge, remembered to throw the freezer-grease cans into the trash, took out the trash and recycling, washed all the dishes, refilled the cat's lidded portion bowls for the week …

Yes, I promise you I will eat.

I am afraid to go to sleep. Am "making holiday pay" as we speak (so to speak; idiom does not always match reality), thinking about another over-dreamed night and wondering if my shoddy hold on grammar will survive through the spring.

Grandmother, paternal, was an alcoholic.

… eating …

but you have to guess what it is.

Ate

10 almonds at 4 p.m.;

2 hot chocolates at 11 a.m. …

with coffee … really just coffee with chocolate shavings and powdered milk in it … leftover from Valentine's Day when he made it and I didn't drink any b/c we wanted food and so walked to You Say Tomato (which was slammed), then Succotash (yes, me; it was also slammed), then started driving to Vietnamese places for Pho and gave up in advance b/c it was Chinese New Year and then ended up at Grinder's West (before it got slammed), where we had the choice of 3 menus and got lovely sandwiches, half of each which ended up being our dinners later, which for me was midnight.

am off tonight, thank the presidents. going to use time to start some buffalo chili, try to do homework for Wednesday night while awaiting his return from Topeka.

have 20 hours of work to do in 1.

really do not believe it is Monday.

starving, sleep-deprived … giving it up as a pre-Lent offering, pretending that mental solidarity somehow "helps" people in Haiti, for example, who are starving and sleep-deprived.

Has

15 web pages open (in one browser program,

4 in the other),

2 emails in progress,

4 articles to edit/post,

6 birdcages to clean,

2.5 jobs,

142 messages in one inbox (work),

722 in another,

325 facebook friends

and

0 children or sick relatives to care for.

and she got 2 valentines already.

2-3-10

Sounds like a good combination: Two adults, three kids, 10 helpings of food at dinner.

I've just finished again Main Street. I have no kids. We hardly have "dinners."

Equations are not always equal, because serving size depends on so many things, as so many things depended on Williams's Red Wheel Barrow, in the rain, with those white chickens.

For example, to bring the faux metaphor (I shall call it sous rature, even) to the personal level, where it only really means something to me/T.:

I/she ate/drank today only some coffee (and it did not make her nauseous, so, again, all is random and unreliable), two cups of chicken broth, one cup+ of 1% cottage cheese, with pepper, a 110-calorie vending machine bag of Sun Chips, and about 15 almonds – and I'm not hungry*

… because the day before there were red beans and rice x 3 servings with celery, some cheddar cheese, two apples, salsa, blue chips, about seven plain Triscuits, some other things that are not within recall (could have been Monday food … blurry lines … had to remind myself at least 6 times today that it was only Wednesday … ). Oh, and there was more coffee in the evening tonight, and it had some milk in it, but again, no nervous system freak-out.

In three months, I will have been married 7 years.

*at least not undefeatably hungry, irrationally hungry, hungry without being able to "conquer" it with caloric logic, not the kind of hungry that leads to — ah, yes, we recall now, consumption of 5 peanut butter cookies (made at home in a late-night kitchen that looked really trashed the next morning, of limited sugar, only one egg, and generic Rice Krispies tossed in for good measure — and they fared much much better than the Kellog's Corn Flakes tossed into the "really, marshmallows can't make that much difference" fudge that is in the fridge and waiting for trash day). Fudge took care of the surplus chocolate chips; have had the flakes of corn since June (opened them only a few months ago; that BHT stuff is amazing). They were a gift. They are just fine with soy milk, but there are only so many cold cereal breakfasts that one wants … usually "having nothing" is more appealing. Body so not with this earth.